Corin Chellberg's online something or other

Now being the nerd that I am I have seen a fair share of zombie flicks and theres one thorn in my side about it all, that is if you don’t include that fact that it is a zombie movie to start with.  Now if you didn’t know already the zombie virus is spread by biting like rabies.  If youre lucky enough in this zombie situation to be torn to bits good for you, but if youre one of the unlucky many that just gets bitten I’m sorry to say you die and come back as one of the living dead, which is where my beef begins.  My dad works in a hospital and as a result we are lucky enough to get funny, interesting, and gross stories to be shared at the dinner table, one of theses was a man who got hit with a golf ball in his back near his shoulder.  The ball broke the skin and caused a severe infection which resulted in them removing muscle and flesh, later on his whole arm sadly in the end the man died.  But that’s where I’m going with all this if youre bitten and you “survive” that old bite wound would become infected since youre to busy attacking the living to treat it at the moment.  I would think with combinations of animals and flesh eating bacteria this would cause the living dead to fall apart leaving anyone who is still alive after the out break with nothing but a lot of clean up work.  In Dawn of the Dead the people in the mall could have easily waited it out, sure there was no hope in being rescued but dead flesh rots its just a waiting game, and if the need to eat gets really bad you can always try cooking zombie flesh real well to make it safe.  So my advice for the zombie apocalypse wait it out.

Well, I’m Logan and I’m giving this whole blogosphere thing a try.  This is going to be my place to talk about whatever I’m feeling during the week or whatever just bugging the crap out of me.  Some of the things you will end up reading my opinions on include space, cigars, driving, religion, people, friends, and every little thing that annoys me (which is damn near everything).  Every time I post something feel free to leave a comment on it if you have something you would like to hear my opinion on, providing I get any/enough comments I’ll pick one at random and rant about it.

Yeah, Mitch McConnell, I’m sure the 30 million Americans getting health insurance under this bill are going to be outraged that Democrats used reconciliation to pass it with a mere 51 majority… You know, like how the 10%+ unemployed in Kentucky were outraged that the Senate would vote to extend their unemployment benefits without using stimulus money.

Warning: this post is merely me bitching about a lot of stuff.  I advise you not to read it.  It will also contain vast amounts of profanity.  You have been warned.

Fuck braces.  And more importantly, fuck orthodontists.  Those fucking bastards get paid hundreds of thousands of dollars a year to peer into your mouth, nod, and then advise his assistant as to the best way to cause you pain.  It’s the perfect job for sadists.  They get to go to work every day looking forward to the unnecessary pain they will be paid to inflict upon their patients.  I visited the quarterback-looking-sonofabitch-of-an-orthodontist yesterday, and after 20 seconds of inspecting my teeth and an xray, ruined my entire week.  Maybe the next 8 weeks.  I got a new bracket placed on the INSIDE of my teeth, with a hook for a rubber band.  This hook is fucking sharp.  And it has invaded the precious sanctuary where my tongue was formerly safe from the perilous minefield of metal outside.  Now, unless I surround the hook with wax, it stabs and scratches my tongue every time I speak, swallow, chew, or move my tongue for any other reason.  Thus rending my life a living hell.  But that wasn’t enough for Dr. McFuckhead, he had to upgrade me to a stiffer wire, add some sort of rubberized torsion to my top teeth, and bind my upper and lower teeth together diagonally with rubber bands.  So I can’t open my mouth more than an inch, as of right now can’t eat anything but soup and mashed potatoes, and am spending my days with an everpresent, dull, pounding agony in my mouth.  All so my teeth will look straighter.  Three words, orthodontic community.  Fuck.  That.  Shit.  I know I’m not putting my highly cultivated vocabulary to good use in this post, but long, obscure words don’t have the capacity to convey raw emotion the way those do.  Fuck.  That.  Shit.

And now for an ad hominum attack.  HEY.  ORTHODONTIST.  FUCK YOU.  Fuck your mom, fuck your dad, fuck your dead dog who got hit by a car when you were a kid, fuck your hair, fuck your stubble, fuck your fancy car, fuck the fucking orthodontic assistant you’re probably already fucking on the side, fuck your oversized diplomas from fucking orthodontic schools that are really just fucking training in how to fucking torture someone while charging them thousands of dollars for it, you greedy fuck, fuck your stupid office, fuck your cushy hours, fuck your shiny metal tools, fuck your perfect teeth, fuck your condescending lectures, fuck you and the fucking horse you fucking rode in on.  Motherfucker.

That’s all I’m going to bitch about right now.  Also, I felt like venting about my braces, and this was an entirely negative post, but I’d say on the whole my life is 97% awesome right now.  Especially now that I got that out. Goodnight then.

Winter sucks.  If you disagree with me, you are wrong.  I will do my best to demonstrate why I think that is.  (That there where I said ‘think’, that was false humility.  I’m sorry.)  Just in case the unthinkable happens, and someone who doesn’t know me reads this post, I live in Indiana.  I recognize that there are many places in the world where winter is far worse than it is here, but as I will demonstrate, it’s still pretty awful here.

Before I get too deep into my argument, I’d first like to rebut those of my opposition.  ”But Corin,” my ill-informed opposition may say, “winter is a beautiful season!  It snows and everything is pristine and white and peaceful!” This may be true on, say, three days of winter.  Sadly, this argument disintegrates upon further inspection.  First, it assumes that it snows.  In Indiana, that is by no means a regular occurrence.  Yes, it snows more often in winter than it does in the other seasons, but not by much.  I’m not going to go look up this statistic, but I figure we get 3-4 decent accumulations of snow per season in winter.  Considering that winter spans roughly 4 months, that’s a once a month occurrence.  Next part of their argument: it’s beautiful – pristine, white, peaceful.  Even a winter-hating Grinch like me can admit that gently falling snow is pretty and peaceful.  Until you go outside.  The pristine aspect lasts all of a few hours, until cars start driving around, promptly turning that pristine white powder into gritty, grey, slippery, nasty, slush.  So pristine is pretty much out.  White is out.  Peaceful is pretty irrelevant – whether it’s peaceful is fairly unrelated to the manner of precipitation on the ground.

Another possible wrench they might try to throw into the unstoppable gears of my logic machine could be “But Corin, winter brings with it such delightful things as Christmas, Christmas break, two-hour delays, and snow days!”  Sadly, they would again be wrong.  First, regarding Christmas, the holiday originated in Israel, right?  I just checked, and the average low temperature for Jerusalem in December is 42 degrees.  Not that wintery.  In addition, I spent Christmas in San Diego this year, and it was in the 60s, so it is very possible to have Christmas without Indiana-style winter.  Next, Christmas break.  As I just showed that winter isn’t required for Christmas, it clearly isn’t required for Christmas break.  In fact, Christmas break would be much more enjoyable without the cold temperatures and possible black slush keeping you inside.  (I went whale watching the day after Christmas, what did you do?)  Next, two-hour delays and snow days are very nice, but overall I find that they bring much more pain than they do pleasure.  Every time you hear that it’s going to snow the next day, or that it’s going to be really cold, you inevitably get your hopes up.  Maybe, just maybe, we’ll have a snow day tomorrow, you think.  Maybe you even try to keep yourself from getting your hopes up.  After all, you’ve been hurt before.  But it never works.  And the next day, you wake up and look at the clock, hoping it’s way past when school starts and your mom just didn’t wake you up, only to see a glaring 6:15 blinking at you angrily.  On the rare occasions when you do get a day off it’s nice, but it doesn’t make up for all the emotional trauma caused by those days when you didn’t.  Especially when your superintendent is one Peggy K. Hinkley.  (It isn’t libel if it’s true, right?)

Really, in shooting down those two (straw) arguments, I’ve pretty much covered mine.  Winter is filled with emotional trauma, nasty black precipitation, and bitter, bitter cold.  I should touch on the cold.  Cold is bad.  That’s why heartless bitches on reality TV are called cold.  Cold is a heartless bitch.  Take today for example.  I had to walk a couple miles to and from various classes at opposite ends of campus.  I have an extremely warm winter coat, awesome leather gloves, a hat I stole from my dad because it’s extra warm, and a scarf I never use because it looks ridiculous.  On this particular winter day, I wore my coat, my hat, my gloves, and had my hood up.  In addition, my coat zips all the way up to just under my nose.  Effectively, the only exposed part of my body was my eyes, nose, and cheeks.  As I walked to class, I noticed that by some miracle of meteorological science, the wind blows directly into your face no matter which direction you’re walking.  My eyes were watering from the cold, and my nose was numb after just a few minutes.  The cold literally hurts your skin, even the measly 8 square inches that are exposed.  So, to summarize, even if you dress up like a pre-2001 Afghan woman, the cold hurts like a bitch.  Because it is one.

Not only does winter suck, winter is the worst season.  Spring has rain (the best form of weather), cool breezes, blooming flowers, new leaves on trees, and delightful allergens in the crisp air.   Summer can get uncomfortably hot, but it is free from school, and you don’t have to look like an  Islamic fundamentalist to exit your home.  Fall has weather almost as nice as spring, and provides welcome relief from summer.  You get to wear jeans and hoodies again, but it’s not so cold that you consider suicide halfway to class.

In summary: November, December, January, Febuary – you are dead to me.  As soon as realistically possible, I’m gonna live somewhere where winter doesn’t cause more pain than the Cruciatus Curse.  Yeah.  I played the Harry Potter card.  Game over, winter.  You lose.  Just give global warming a few centuries, and you’re toast.